My last post was about giving myself some credit for coming as far as I've come, but this post I want people to know that I still have much further I can go. As a part of my healing, I am really digging down and finding things in myself that I need to work on. It didn't take much digging to realize a few things lately.
I think I'm a bit of a control freak. I want everything to be perfect. I get things planned and when they don't go as planned I get upset, anxious and/or angry. I pick fights that could easily be avoided by biting my tongue and taking a deep breath. Most of these fights end up being with my sister, which makes me really sad. She's one of my best friends. She's always there for me. She's irreplaceable. I never want to do anything that could permanently damage our relationship. Lucky for me, she's pretty darn patient with me. She understands that I can freak out and be unreasonable when I get upset. She shouldn't have to do that and I definitely don't want her to come to expect these things from me. Therefore, this is going to be my number one priority in becoming a better person, a better me.
Another thing I need to work on is not being so impulsive. I create a lot of anxiety by creating an argument within my own head as to what I want to do and what I should do. With my job being so lenient I've been able to get away with doing what I want and not what I should. For instance, the weekend before last, I made an impulsive decision to ride up to Washington with Paul & to have Hannah and Dan drive my car up. Once this idea was in my head, I started getting really anxious, to the point of pretty much having a panic attack at the thought of not going. I need to really take a step back and think about things, not just make up my mind to do what I want. It's like once I get an idea in my head that I'm excited about, my mind won't let me change that decision. It's really not a good thing.
Last week in Washington was wonderful though. I don't regret going up whatsoever. I've had a lot of quiet time to myself. I realize how much I truly need alone time, for my well being. Plus I got to go to my first NFL game to watch the Seahawks beat The Patriots in the last few minutes!
Working and saving money needs to be a higher priority than it has been lately too. I need to focus on getting over my work anxieties and getting back into the swing of having some structure in my life. I haven't worked since March or April and I wish I could say the time off has been more enjoyable. Don't get me wrong, some of it has been great but a lot of it has been a struggle. I am very thankful for the time I have been able to take off so I can really work on myself. It has been a blessing that wouldn't of been possible if it weren't for my parents support. I really can't tell them enough how much I've appreciated their help. It is time for me to give back, start contributing more, at least financially. I have set a work plan that I think will work well for me and I feel incredibly lucky to have the opportunity I have.
One more thing I really want to work on is my relationship with God. I would really like to start going to church again and really work on strengthening my relationship with Him. I know I don't pray nearly as much as I should and a lot of the reason is because I feel like I don't deserve it. I haven't been as good of a Christian as I know I can be. I want to change that. I believe once I do, I will truly find happiness.
Overall, I know there is a plan for me. I know everything I've been through has been for a reason. It has led me to a place I never saw myself, a place of much more happiness and self worth. I have grown so much in the past ten months and I am proud of myself. I'm proud that I can step back and realize when I'm wrong and vocalize them. By writing them out and making my biggest flaws public, I feel like it will hold me more accountable for working them out. So words of encouragement and also any advice would be extremely welcomed. I know it's not going to be easy but I know I can do it.
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