my past week catch up...

It's now 1:35 am and I can't sleep. 

I feel a bit anxious tonight. 

I have a big day tomorrow. I miss my boyfriend.

What do I do when there's nothing on TV, nobody else up to talk to and I can't sleep?

I blog.

I haven't written in over a week and I feel like there's so much to catch up on. 

I am not going to try not to go into crazy details & writing a book for a blog post...

(I know I'm all too good at that)

So here's my summed up, condensed version of the past week...

VACATION

My parents, Hannah, Dan and myself hopped on a plane and headed to Cancun.

It was my first time to Mexico & my first time anywhere near the Caribbean Ocean.

 

Hannah, Dan and I went downtown to experience the bar scene and had a blast.

We bartered our way to $5 cab rides and even a $5 round of drinks with nachos.

We all got to not only hold baby sea turtles, but also set them free into the ocean.

I absolutely love turtles and this was an incredible once-in-a-lifetime experience!

We saw a bunch of iguanas (I think) and even a crocodile.

We went on a booze cruise where we had unlimited drinks and delicious food.

I learned how to dance Meringue.

Dan and Hannah won a couples dance competition.

Dad even got involved in a competition and had to dance 'sexy'.

We all danced our butts off on the island we cruised to and on the boat.

The trip was so much fun!!!

I feel extremely blessed to have had the opportunity to go.

I have a dang awesome family. 

I wouldn't of wanted to be there with anyone else.

BACK HOME

A bit of things have happened since we've been back...

My Aunt Terrie has been here since before we left.

She watched the dogs while we were gone.

It's been so nice to get to see her for an extended amount of time.

I decided that working the temp job at Delta wasn't what was best for me right now.

I left on really good terms and they wish nothing but the best for me.

No hard feelings.

I heard a bit of sad news... 

please keep these people (& dog) in your thoughts and prayers.

One of our old neighbors just turned 16 and is very, very sick.

He hasn't been able to keep hydrated and has been on IV's for the past 7 months.

He has had numerous other serious health issues in the past also.

He's in & out of the Mayo Clinic, missing school and still keeps an optimistic attitude.

His family is holding onto every moment they get with him while praying that the doctors can find a miracle cure to help keep him healthier. This family has been through so much, much more than any family should. 

They inspire me daily and remind me why I want to renew my relationship with God.

Pray for good health & strength for the entire family.

My mom received a text yesterday from one of her high school friends, Susan.

Susan's mom, Janice, was admitted to the hospital Friday night. 

Janice has been a big part of my mom's life for so long.

We all love her, she's such a nice lady and so thoughtful.

It seems that Janice has suffered another stroke, which is causing her extreme difficulties. She's not really able to speak, although as of today, it seems to be improving somewhat. She does have a small spot of pneumonia on one of her lungs, which is getting better. She's in a lot of pain, she's frustrated & depressed.

Please pray for Janice, her family and my family.

My friend Seth's dog, Mesa, woke up this morning in acute pain. She couldn't walk or really even move because of the pain. Seth took her to the vet & found out that she seems to have acute spinal pain. They've given her medications and now we wait. If she doesn't improve, she has to get tests & scans done to check for other possibilities. 

Anyone that knows Seth, knows that he loves Miss Mesa like she is his daughter. She is seriously the sweetest dog with a HUGE personality. 

Please keep Seth & Mesa in your thoughts and prayers.

Then there's this family, The Brown's, who I have been following on Facebook.

Husband and Wife, after 7 years of trying, were able to get pregnant.

Husband, Sean, was serving over in Afghanistan when his wife, Heather, went into the hospital when she was 34 weeks pregnant because of severe headaches. 

The doctors found that Heather had a bleed in her brain.  

Baby John was born at 34 weeks by an emergency c-section.

Baby John was transferred to a neighboring hospital with a NICU. 

Meanwhile, Heather slipped into a coma. The doctors outlook has been grim.

Sean is doing his best not to give up hope.

Baby John was able to go home about a month later.

He then was able to meet his mom, the sleeping beauty, for the first time. 

When Baby John was placed at Heather's side, Heather opened her mouth and started sobbing. She even was able to open her eyes just enough to take a look at her son for the first time. She sobbed again when Baby John held onto her finger, gripping it as tightly as he could. Heather is still in a coma, but with the little signs of emotions and reactions, it gives us hope. I really hope this family will be complete again someday soon. 

The amount of support that I've seen on Facebook for this family is incredible. I wish there was someway I could help, but I can help in one of the best ways... prayer. 

Please help me pray for this family & for Heather's recovery.

If you want to read more and follow their story on Facebook, here's the link:

https://www.facebook.com/BringingHomeTheBrowns

Then there's the entire east coast that has been absolutely hammered by Sandy.

33 fatalities and millions of people without power. 

Severe amount of flooding, wind, downed trees, fire, and snow.

All of which has caused extensive amounts of damage.

The many pictures are devastating.

We need to pray for this storm to end and for safety for everyone affected.

A FEW THOUGHTS

I need to start focusing on the good, not the bad. 

I need to be much more thankful for what I have in this life.

I don't want to take day to day activities for granted.

I want to make the most of each experience, every day.

I want to live my life to the fullest because we never know how long we have here on this earth with the people we love. 

So don't take things for granted.

Don't focus on the negative.

Try to find a positive in something everyday.

the lazy song...

"The Lazy Song"

Today I don't feel like doing anything
I just wanna lay in my bed
Don't feel like picking up my phone
So leave a message at the tone
'Cause today I swear I'm not doing anything.

Uh!
I'm gonna kick my feet up
Then stare at the fan
Turn the TV on, throw my hand in my pants
Nobody's gonna tell me I can't

I'll be lounging on the couch,
Just chillin' in my snuggie
Click to MTV, so they can teach me how to dougie
'Cause in my castle I'm the freaking man

Oh, yes I said it
I said it
I said it 'cause I can

Today I don't feel like doing anything
I just wanna lay in my bed
Don't feel like picking up my phone
So leave a message at the tone
'Cause today I swear I'm not doing anything

Nothing at all!
Ooh, hoo, ooh, hoo, ooh, ooh-ooh
Nothing at all
Ooh, hoo, ooh, hoo, ooh, ooh-ooh

Tomorrow I'll wake up, do some P90X
Meet a really nice girl, have some really nice sex
And she's gonna scream out: 'This is Great' (Oh my God, this is great)
Yeah

I might mess around, get my college degree
I bet my old man will be so proud of me
But sorry pops, you'll just have to wait
Haha

Oh, yes I said it
I said it
I said it 'cause I can

Today I don't feel like doing anything
I just wanna lay in my bed
Don't feel like picking up my phone
So leave a message at the tone
'Cause today I swear I'm not doing anything

No, I ain't gonna comb my hair
'Cause I ain't going anywhere
No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no
I'll just strut in my birthday suit
And let everything hang loose
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah

Ooh
Today I don't feel like doing anything
I just wanna lay in my bed
Don't feel like picking up my phone
So leave a message at the tone
'Cause today I swear I'm not doing anything

Nothing at all
Nothing at all
Nothing at all

bring me back...

"Bring Me Back"

Say i know, i know

That I need you

And I go, i go

The wrong way (2x)

im so far away from where i wanna be

yeah so far away from how you really see me

im so far away from where i wanna be oh Lord (2x)

wont you bring please bring me back

wont you bring please bring me back to that sweet place

yes bring please bring me back to You

by your grace by your love theres a way to rise above

first we must fall into the Son and surrender

say i know, i know

that I need you

and I go, i go

the wrong way

im so far away from where i wanna be

yeah so far away from how you really see me

im so far away from where i wanna be oh Lord

wont you bring please bring me back

wont you bring please bring me back to that sweet place

yes bring please bring me back to You

by your grace by your love theres a way to rise above

first we must come to the son

by your grace you replace

the part in me yes the heart in me thats bent towards sinning

and where there was cold stares

now there are hellos hi how ya doin

no truth it only tears

give way to homes that are built on ruins

where there was monsters hiding in the closet

now theres no more nightmare or the ones that caused it

where the old man wishes it was over

now theres less candles on the cake as we get older

by your grace by your love theres a way to rise above

first we must come thru the Son

by your grace by your love theres a way to rise above

first we must fall into the son and surrender

and surrender (5x)

gravity happens...

I have decided that I'm going to do my blogs differently. 

I am going to try to post a new song everyday. 

Something I feel has meaningful, relatable lyrics that also has a great sound. 

Now what I think sounds great may be music to my ears, but not as much for you. 

I mostly want to share the lyrics, the meaning behind the song. 

I feel like I relate my life to songs so often. 

I want to pick a song a day for a week that I feel strongly about & share the lyrics with you.

This is one of my favorite songs... let me know what you think.

I hope you enjoy it!

"Gravity Happens"

If your travels ever take you to sea

Then I'd say to you to dip in your feet

And if you battle the wind along the way

Then I'd tell you to challenge the waves

It's a world of peculiar people

And places that look nothing like home

But it keeps turning - and turning even though

Gravity happens...

And we don't know it till after we've hit the ground

The world's spinning faster

With each day that passes and each dashing hour

What am I to do? I've broken my parachute

So if gravity happens, then I'll fasten wings to my shoes

I have gathered that the moments that shaped me

Were the ones that have tested my faith

And all that matters is the courage they gave me

I fell down and my fears were erased

'Cause in the wreckage of heartache and hindsight

A new beginning starts to unfold

And if you let it, it just might save your life

Because gravity happens...

And we don't know it till after we've hit the ground

The world's spinning faster

With each day that passes and each dashing hour

What am I to do? I've broken my parachute

So if gravity happens, then I'll fasten wings to my shoes

I'm not gonna let the world get me down, no

I got so much more to live for

And I'm starting right now

Cause gravity happens...

And we don't know it till after we've hit the ground

The world's spinning faster

With each day that passes and each dashing hour

What am I to do? I've broken my parachute

So if gravity happens, then I'll fasten wings to my shoes

some room for improvement...

My last post was about giving myself some credit for coming as far as I've come, but this post I want people to know that I still have much further I can go. As a part of my healing, I am really digging down and finding things in myself that I need to work on. It didn't take much digging to realize a few things lately.

I think I'm a bit of a control freak. I want everything to be perfect. I get things planned and when they don't go as planned I get upset, anxious and/or angry. I pick fights that could easily be avoided by biting my tongue and taking a deep breath. Most of these fights end up being with my sister, which makes me really sad. She's one of my best friends. She's always there for me. She's irreplaceable. I never want to do anything that could permanently damage our relationship. Lucky for me, she's pretty darn patient with me. She understands that I can freak out and be unreasonable when I get upset. She shouldn't have to do that and I definitely don't want her to come to expect these things from me. Therefore, this is going to be my number one priority in becoming a better person, a better me. 

Another thing I need to work on is not being so impulsive. I create a lot of anxiety by creating an argument within my own head as to what I want to do and what I should do. With my job being so lenient I've been able to get away with doing what I want and not what I should. For instance, the weekend before last, I made an impulsive decision to ride up to Washington with Paul & to have Hannah and Dan drive my car up. Once this idea was in my head, I started getting really anxious, to the point of pretty much having a panic attack at the thought of not going. I need to really take a step back and think about things, not just make up my mind to do what I want. It's like once I get an idea in my head that I'm excited about, my mind won't let me change that decision. It's really not a good thing.

Last week in Washington was wonderful though. I don't regret going up whatsoever. I've had a lot of quiet time to myself. I realize how much I truly need alone time, for my well being. Plus I got to go to my first NFL game to watch the Seahawks beat The Patriots in the last few minutes! 

Working and saving money needs to be a higher priority than it has been lately too. I need to focus on getting over my work anxieties and getting back into the swing of having some structure in my life. I haven't worked since March or April and I wish I could say the time off has been more enjoyable. Don't get me wrong, some of it has been great but a lot of it has been a struggle. I am very thankful for the time I have been able to take off so I can really work on myself. It has been a blessing that wouldn't of been possible if it weren't for my parents support. I really can't tell them enough how much I've appreciated their help. It is time for me to give back, start contributing more, at least financially. I have set a work plan that I think will work well for me and I feel incredibly lucky to have the opportunity I have. 

One more thing I really want to work on is my relationship with God. I would really like to start going to church again and really work on strengthening my relationship with Him. I know I don't pray nearly as much as I should and a lot of the reason is because I feel like I don't deserve it. I haven't been as good of a Christian as I know I can be. I want to change that. I believe once I do, I will truly find happiness. 

Overall, I know there is a plan for me. I know everything I've been through has been for a reason. It has led me to a place I never saw myself, a place of much more happiness and self worth. I have grown so much in the past ten months and I am proud of myself. I'm proud that I can step back and realize when I'm wrong and vocalize them. By writing them out and making my biggest flaws public, I feel like it will hold me more accountable for working them out. So words of encouragement and also any advice would be extremely welcomed. I know it's not going to be easy but I know I can do it. 

a little credit...

Ya know, sometimes I forget to give myself the credit I deserve. I am pretty hard on myself at times and I expect quite a bit. I can allow myself to get stressed out or overwhelmed by my anxiety or my bad days, but realistically I should be proud. I have come so far, even in just the past month and a half. If someone were to tell me that I'd be happy, in love, and overall in a pretty good place, I would've laughed in their face. I was at my absolute rock bottom. I was ready to give up, I had lost hope. I lost hope in love, in my health, in life and ultimately in myself. It's truly a blessing that I'm here today, that I received all the help I did. 

Nonetheless, I couldn't of done it without the love and support that has surrounded me. You all know who you are. You have made this journey that much easier for me. I know I am still going to have days where I struggle. I still have plenty of room for improvement. I have faith now that I will get there, that I am going to get all I want and deserve out of life. You have all helped remind me of that. As a very wise man keeps telling me... baby steps. Take one thing at a time and it will all work out and be okay. Sometimes I think we all just need to take a step back and look at where we are, how we got here and be thankful. 

generalized anxiety disorder...

Generalized Anxiety Disorder (or GAD) is characterized by excessive, exaggerated anxiety and worry about everyday life events with no obvious reasons for worry. People with symptoms of generalized anxiety disorder tend to always expect disaster and can't stop worrying about health, money, family, work, or school. In people with GAD, the worry is often unrealistic or out of proportion for the situation. Daily life becomes a constant state of worry, fear, and dread. Eventually, the anxiety so dominates the person's thinking that it interferes with daily functioning, including work, school, social activities, and relationships.

Symptoms of GAD can affect the way a person thinks, but the anxiety can lead to physical symptoms as well. Physical symptoms of GAD can include: 

• Excessive, ongoing worry and tension
• An unrealistic view of problems
• Restlessness or a feeling of being "edgy"
• Irritability
• Muscle tension
• Headaches
• Sweating
• Difficulty concentrating
• Nausea
• The need to go to the bathroom frequently
• Tiredness
• Trouble falling or staying asleep
• Trembling
• Being easily startled

Add depression to the mix and you've got my diagnosis. I'm not ashamed of what's been going on, or what I've been through. I want people to really understand anxiety, because I feel it's very misunderstood. Over the past 9 months, I've been treated for depression and anxiety. I am currently taking two medications, which cover all three chemicals (serotonin, norepinephrine  and dopamine) that can be off when a person is depressed. These medications and my ECT treatments have really helped get my depression under control. 

As for my anxiety, I feel like it has been more symptomatically treated. I have medication that I can take when I'm beginning to feel anxious, or feeling like I'm going to have a panic attack. This medicine calms me back down, but also makes me so calm and relaxed that I can't really function. I can't drive, I can't work, I typically just end up sleeping for hours. So this is really only an option if I am home or in a place where I don't have to worry about doing much of anything. 

I've been getting pretty frustrated lately. I began working a temp job at one of my old employers on September 24th. I worked a few hours on the 24th and then 5 hours on the 25th. The night of the 25th, I couldn't get myself to sleep. I was up until after 5am, even after taking my sleep aids and my anxiety med. When my alarm went off at 7:15am the morning of the Wednesday, the 26th, I was exhausted and feeling pretty overwhelmed. I talked to my supervisor and she told me to take the day and get to feeling better. We had some family stuff come up and my mom and I went up to Washington last minute, so I missed Thursday and Friday. I was all geared up to go back to work this morning. I was supposed to be there at 8:30am. I woke up with a sore jaw and sore teeth. I was clenching my teeth throughout the night and subconsciously still doing it at times while lying in bed hitting snooze on my alarm. I couldn't lay still... my mind was going a million miles an hour. I felt like I was going to have a full blown panic attack. So, what do I do? Do I take the medicine to prevent it and miss another day of work, or do I push through and try to force myself to get up and go to work? I fought with my own head... back and forth. I called and talked to Paul. He was supportive of whatever I decided to do and just wants me to be healthy. After thinking more about it... in the past, when I try to push through and force myself to do something while being really anxious, I get really angry. When I get angry, my mind goes to places it shouldn't. I start thinking of ways I could physically hurt myself so that I have a 'real' reason why I can't go to work. I knew at that point, that I just couldn't go there. I've come so far and I can't allow myself to go backwards. I just needed to be honest with work and I took my anxiety med and fell back asleep.

Work has been very supportive. My particular position is an extra and I'm working on special projects, so nobody is really counting on me to be there. They have told me that my getting better is the most important thing right now and not to worry about them. I have a couple appointments later this week and I'm hoping to really get some answers. I'm just not sure where to go from here. I need an income but do I sacrifice my own health to some extent to get that income? 

I feel like I've been letting my friends down. My anxiety has taken over and I seem to have issues with sticking to plans with friends. I missed one of my best friends wedding celebrations this last weekend and I feel absolutely horrible. I feel like a terrible person for not being there for her on one of her biggest days, especially when she's been here for me through everything I've been going through. She's been wonderful. I just don't want to lose friends who I really care about because my anxiety is constantly getting in the way of my social life and relationships. I really worry about this. 

I am going to try a few things to see if I can work on my anxiety outside of medications. I'm going to note my foods... see if any of what I'm eating is causing anxiety. I'm going to cut back on caffeine. I'm going to start an easy exercise regimen. I think all this should help. I just want to be able to live a normal life.