incredibly thankful, today and everyday...

As you know, this year has been a challenging one for me. It started with an onset of panic attacks back in January, which led to me losing my job. The next 7 months were up and down. My relationship with Eric came to an end in July, which broke my heart. I thought I had hit rock bottom and then I fell even further, ultimately landing myself in the hospital in the beginning of August. After changing medications and going through electroshock treatments, I was finally beginning to see some hope again, hope that I could get better.

My memory was severely affected by my ECT treatments and I wasn’t remembering much of anything for quite some time. I couldn’t remember my break up. I couldn’t remember the two weeks before I overdosed. I couldn’t remember my time in the hospital. I couldn’t remember my cousin’s bridal shower. It was the end of September when I felt like I was really beginning to retain new memories. Since then, my memory has only improved, although there are still things I come across that I don’t remember.

The last couple months I’ve continued my counseling and am still adjusting medications but I feel alive again. I feel more alive, more like myself now than I have ever before. I would have never have been able to get to where I am today if it hadn’t been for you all. You all have given me support in so many different ways and have been there for me through everything. I know I can always count on you if I’m going through a tough time.

Mom… Dad… Hannah… there is no way I would be here today if it weren’t for you three. You have been my backbone when I had none; you have been a shoulder for me to cry on when I feel like there’s no hope. You’ve kept a roof over my head. You’ve helped incredibly with finances, allowing me to get the care I needed and still do need. You guys are my rock and without you, I wouldn’t be here today. I want to thank you from the bottom of my heart for everything you’ve done.

Sandi & Megan – you guys brining Brielle into the hospital to see me, was so incredible. Those are the visits I actually remember the most. Seeing baby Brielle brought a smile to my heart. You have no idea how much that smile truly helped me get better. So I thank you for that.

Grandma, you have been there for me through so much. I know you were praying for me to get better and God answered your prayers and truly helped me recover. I love how much closer we have become. I enjoy our lunch dates (when they don’t involve Fire trucks and Ambulances). I am thankful to have such a wonderful Grandma in you.

Court & Adam – I love the Angel of Healing & the beautiful scarf. The angel is near my bed and reminds me where I was and how far I’ve come. You guys were both always there for me, just a text or a phone call away. Thank you.

You have all had such an impact on my healing. The love I’ve received was so much more than I could’ve imagined. I just want to tell you all Thank You from the bottom of my heart. I can’t even begin to express how thankful I am to have such a wonderful family and group of friends. You have all saved my life and helped get me back on my feet. I wouldn’t be where I am at today if I didn’t have you. So… Thank you, thank you, thank you… I love you all!

job hunting...

As most of you know, I've been looking for a job. It's proving to be harder than I thought it would be. I figured with all the retail positions open, I would be able to find something. I thought my age would help me out by showing some maturity, etc. To my surprise, with my age retailers expect and want more retail experience. I worked retail before, right out of high school an it isn't rocket science. I don't see why my years of experience in finance and my ten plus years in customer service doesn't make me qualified to work with clothes... Honestly. I am hopeful and I know I will find something when the time is right. It is exhausting to spend hours each day searching and applying for jobs. My brain is tired from spending an hour on a single application, only to get an email the next day saying 'thanks but we didn't choose you'. It's not overly encouraging.

I wish I could take this time and go back to school. That would be ideal, but due to previous choices with school, I can't get government help. I really would love to be able to go to beauty school! It's a 10-12 month program if you go full-time, but it costs about $10,000 and most private loans won't cover it.

So here I am... Plugging away to find a job, trying to solve the lifelong question of what to do with the rest of my life. I never knew it would be this hard... Financially, physically or emotionally.

two incredibly powerful words...

"Proverbs 16:9 says "Life and death are in the power of the tongue."

God created our words to have creative power. What follows the two simple words, "I Am", will determine what type of life you have and will either bring success or failure in your life. Instead of saying negative “I Ams”, - “I am unfocused. I am never going to succeed”, say what God says you are. Declare “I am blessed, confident, loved, accepted.” When you change your “I Am's ” your life will change for the better. The seeds of greatness God’s placed on the inside will spring forth.

- Joel Osteen

As some of you may have noticed, I posted this on my Facebook the other day. My mom had saved an episode of Oprah's Lifeclass that had Joel Osteen as a guest. The entire show talked about how powerful the words 'I am' are. I completely agree! I never noticed how much I say these negative 'I am' statements in my own head. After watching it, I am much more aware and am catching myself with these negative thoughts and turning them positive. I wanted to create a list of my own 'I am' thoughts and how I've changed them. 

I am unemployed.

I am actively looking for jobs and will find something.

I am not going to get ahead with all these medical bills.

I am becoming a healthier, better version of myself.

I am out of shape.

I am able and capable to exercise.

I am an unhealthy eater.

I am really going to try to eat healthier.

I am horrible at interviews.

I am confident I can do any job I am given.

I am an anxious person.

I am getting pretty good at noticing my anxiety triggers, 

therefore able to prevent a lot of anxiety from even happening.

I am not as good of a Christian as I'd like to be.

I am working on improving my relationship with God.

These are just a few that came to mind but so many more have ran through my head. 

What are some negative 'I am' statements you say? How can you turn them into a positive statement? 

I really believe that if you are somewhat aware of the things you think and/or say and can find a way to turn it from a negative thought to a positive thought, it can, and will, improve your overall look on life. I know it has for me, even in just a few days.

new blog post coming soon...

I have a certain thing I have felt the need to blog about since I heard it. I just have been so busy with job applications and counseling. I promise that I will get it up soon!!!

To be continued...

Lesson Learned...

I really shouldn't blog when I'm frustrated and have taking my sleeping pill... it never turns out good. I tend to say things I shouldn't and also say things that aren't entirely true. My head gets into such a fog and then I don't remember much when I wake up. Not a good thing. 

Alton Baker...

Friday was a tough day for my mom and I... We spend the majority of the time up at the hospital at Janice's bedside. Not too much later, Cindy, my mom and myself headed back up to the hospital because things had gone downhill. We made it back up there and Janice was in and out of sleep. After some more morphine, she fell back asleep and never did wake up again. She was comfortable and not in pain.

We left and went back home around 1:30am. We all went to sleep. The next morning we got the news that Janice had passed. My mom is very sad and I wish I could make it better. I tried my best to be there for her through the whole situation and I think I did a pretty good job.

Swung by Alton Baker Park. It was a beautiful fall day and the colors were gorgeous! After taking a picture on one side of the bridge, we walked to the other side. On my way over, I missed the curb and rolled my ankle in all sorts of a funny direction. Ouch did it hurt. I just laughed and walked it off. We took some more pictures around the park.

another angel

My world has gained another guardian angel as of Saturday morning. Janice passed away around 10am. I know she's in a better place where she's being reunited with family and friends, where she is pain free, where she can walk again. It is still very sad though. She will be so incredibly missed. She never missed my mom's birthday... Always called to talk and tell her happy birthday. She was such a selfless person. She is survived by her husband, Omar, who loves her so much. Seeing him so sad was heartbreaking but seeing the way they would just look at each other, staring into each others eyes, was unlike anything else. It was an example of true love... It was beautiful. Please pray for everyone affected by Janice's passing. I know we will see each other again someday.