Washington - Day Two

This morning I woke up and kind of pondered over a conversation I had last night for a while before getting out of bed. Once I was up I lounged around for some time before Hannah took off to go to her doctor's appointment, for her follow-up on her knee. Once Hannah left, I gave my mom a call to talk to her about some things that were on my mind. *For those of you who don't know, or haven't read the previous couple blogs, I have some retro-grade amnesia and some short-term memory loss due to some traumatic experiences and the therapy I had been undergoing this past month.* I had asked my mom to more or less give me her opinion on some things involving Eric, which led to her being pretty defensive and protective. I had her explain why she felt this way, so she ended up going over everything that had happened from the day or two before I overdosed, through about the first week or so of being in the hospital.

For those of you who have never experienced memory loss, be very thankful. It is a very odd, confusing and frustrating experience. I have a solid two week time span in my life which I have no recollection of anything that happened. Hearing my mom tell me what went on, day by day, was like listening to her tell me a story about someone else's life. I mean, how could she be telling me all this but nothing sound familiar? I figured some of these memories, after someone reminded me of what went on, would come back in somewhat of an 'aha' moment. This hasn't happened. I don't know if my memory from those two weeks will ever return or if I will just have to go with what I've been told by those who were with me and what I journaled during those times. I talked to quite a few different friends today about how to handle this... do I try to talk to Eric so I can settle the unfinished business once and for all (even though this would mean Eric would be doing it for a third time because I don't remember the first two times)? Or do I just take what those who care about me most are telling me and what I have written down in my journals, accept those as my memories and just not think about the past? Just move forward from here?

I think the most clear answer came from my friend Jeremy. He told me to 'focus on what's happening now, not the past. To have a mind set to keep moving forward.' I think he's absolutely right. My mom, my sister, and a couple other friends said something similar and I believe they are all right. I don't know what good it's going to do me if I try to rebuild memories that caused me so much pain and anger. I don't see much positive coming from all that. So that's what I'm going to try to do... live for the present and my future... not for my past. I'm going to try my best to put this past month behind me and not let it take over how I move forward.

Back to being in Washington! Hannah and I laid out in the sun for a little while this afternoon. Had some fun playing with Charlie and the hose. He goes crazy trying to attack the water when you spray him. It's pretty entertaining really.

We came in and I actually cleaned up my room (the guest room). I was having some anxiety about living out of a suitcase, so I organized my stuff in neat stacks along the wall so I can see and get to things much easier. I put the suitcase in the corner of the room and am using it as my dirty hamper. I even made my bed today! Mom ~ you'd be so impressed! ;)

Hannah and I made a ground turkey meatloaf with some jalapenos in it for dinner. Hannah also made Mac & Cheese and grilled up some zucchini and asparagus. Paul joined us for dinner and a couple drinks. It was a fun night... good company! We even put my hair extensions on Dan... it was pretty freaky. It looked fairly real and once he started dancing around, you couldn't help but about die laughing.

Overall, I'd say day two has been a success. I'm looking forward to what the weekend brings. I know we are talking about heading to Seattle on Saturday, maybe catch a Mariners game and then go out. I haven't been to Seattle since I was in 8th grade, so I'm excited! Should be a fun weekend.

Washington - Day One

I hopped in Hannah's car and bummed a ride back up to Port Orchard with her today. We left at the buttcrack of dawn and made great time.
We stopped in Centralia and zipped through the Nike Clearance Store. Hannah got herself a cute sweatshirt and Dan a nice pair of board shorts. While shopping at Nike, mom called and informed me that I forgot my tote bag, which had my bras, my makeup, my sweaters and all my jewelry in it. Shoot dang. This sucks! So we swung into Target once we made it to Port Orchard to pick up an inexpensive bra. Let me tell you, cheap bras are not comfortable.
We got back to the house and reunited with the one and only, Charlie. He was pretty darn excited to see Hannah and I. I was reminded just how cute my nephew was when we took him down to Manchester for a quick swim.
We came back to the house and got all cleaned up and ready for dinner. We went to pick up Dan from the shipyard and then headed down the road to a local pub for wing Wednesday with some friends. Dinner was pretty darn good, nice and messy as always!
We just kicked back on the couch and watched some tv after dinner. It was a nice chill evening, perfect for me after being go go go all day.
I've crawled into bed and am pretty darn exhausted. I am still having quite a few side effects from either my ECT treatments, my new medicines, or both. I still had some dizziness this evening but it seemed to be a little better than the previous days. My vision is still hard to focus. Trying to read things on my phone is hard, the text bounces and it's hard to focus. Then I get a headache, probably from the strain in my brain. I hope the side effects slowly disappear. As of right now, I'm not even comfortable driving... Which leaves me very dependent on other people.
As for my memory, I think it is improving slowly, but there's still a lot I don't know or remember. I'm not sure what will come back and what won't. Only time will tell I guess.
Well I'm going to try to get rid of this headache by getting a good nights rest so I can have a good day tomorrow!

ect treatments

I went in to Riverbend this morning to have my final ECT done. After sitting there for hours with an IV started, Dr. Velez came in and asked my mom and I if we had heard. Unsure what he was talking about, we asked. He told us that the machine was broken and it wasn't fixable this morning. So, after getting about half of a bag of IV fluids, the nurse took the IV out and sent me on my way. We went to meet up with Grandma for breakfast at IHOP. My mom got news from the doctor today that we aren't going to reschedule my treatment from today. I'm pretty excited about being finished with treatments. My head has started to feel a little off lately, so I'm excited to regain my short-term memory and feel normal again. I was just trying to explain to my mom how my head feels off and I think the best way I can describe it is that when I move my eyes or my head, things don't track completely normal. Things just feel off and it's a really odd feeling. It shouldn't take too long for things to go back to normal. I am going down to California this weekend with my mom and sister for my cousin Emily's bridal shower. Then I'm going to ride back up to Washington with Hannah for the next week (or so). I couldn't be more excited to get out of town hang out with my sister & brother-in-law!

catch up...

So, for those of you who don't know what's been going on in my life lately... I will try to catch you up here real quickly! I have been having some problems with anxiety and depression. It had gotten pretty bad and I made a stupid decision to take a bunch of my anti-depressants. I panicked right after taking them and told Eric and my mom what I had done. They took me down to the ER where I was forced to drink this charcoal gunk. They admitted me to OHVI at Riverbend for a night, then transferred me to the Johnson Unit the next day. I was in the Johnson Unit for about two weeks. We adjusted meds and treatment options. I started doing ECT Treatments, which is where they put me under a general anesthesia and then send an electrical impulse through my brain, causing a seizure. I am going to do my last treatment tomorrow and let my body recover some more. I've had some retro-grade amnesia, which has been incredibly odd. The treatments have seemed to help some but I am losing some memory and am not as clear-headed as I was before. 

So I apologize to friends if I don't remember something that we had just recently talked about. My brain just isn't retaining everything that it would normally. For instance, I just figured out that we are going to Cancun in October! If anyone has any questions... please feel free to ask me anything. I will answer anything you want to know!