generalized anxiety disorder...

Generalized Anxiety Disorder (or GAD) is characterized by excessive, exaggerated anxiety and worry about everyday life events with no obvious reasons for worry. People with symptoms of generalized anxiety disorder tend to always expect disaster and can't stop worrying about health, money, family, work, or school. In people with GAD, the worry is often unrealistic or out of proportion for the situation. Daily life becomes a constant state of worry, fear, and dread. Eventually, the anxiety so dominates the person's thinking that it interferes with daily functioning, including work, school, social activities, and relationships.

Symptoms of GAD can affect the way a person thinks, but the anxiety can lead to physical symptoms as well. Physical symptoms of GAD can include: 

• Excessive, ongoing worry and tension
• An unrealistic view of problems
• Restlessness or a feeling of being "edgy"
• Irritability
• Muscle tension
• Headaches
• Sweating
• Difficulty concentrating
• Nausea
• The need to go to the bathroom frequently
• Tiredness
• Trouble falling or staying asleep
• Trembling
• Being easily startled

Add depression to the mix and you've got my diagnosis. I'm not ashamed of what's been going on, or what I've been through. I want people to really understand anxiety, because I feel it's very misunderstood. Over the past 9 months, I've been treated for depression and anxiety. I am currently taking two medications, which cover all three chemicals (serotonin, norepinephrine  and dopamine) that can be off when a person is depressed. These medications and my ECT treatments have really helped get my depression under control. 

As for my anxiety, I feel like it has been more symptomatically treated. I have medication that I can take when I'm beginning to feel anxious, or feeling like I'm going to have a panic attack. This medicine calms me back down, but also makes me so calm and relaxed that I can't really function. I can't drive, I can't work, I typically just end up sleeping for hours. So this is really only an option if I am home or in a place where I don't have to worry about doing much of anything. 

I've been getting pretty frustrated lately. I began working a temp job at one of my old employers on September 24th. I worked a few hours on the 24th and then 5 hours on the 25th. The night of the 25th, I couldn't get myself to sleep. I was up until after 5am, even after taking my sleep aids and my anxiety med. When my alarm went off at 7:15am the morning of the Wednesday, the 26th, I was exhausted and feeling pretty overwhelmed. I talked to my supervisor and she told me to take the day and get to feeling better. We had some family stuff come up and my mom and I went up to Washington last minute, so I missed Thursday and Friday. I was all geared up to go back to work this morning. I was supposed to be there at 8:30am. I woke up with a sore jaw and sore teeth. I was clenching my teeth throughout the night and subconsciously still doing it at times while lying in bed hitting snooze on my alarm. I couldn't lay still... my mind was going a million miles an hour. I felt like I was going to have a full blown panic attack. So, what do I do? Do I take the medicine to prevent it and miss another day of work, or do I push through and try to force myself to get up and go to work? I fought with my own head... back and forth. I called and talked to Paul. He was supportive of whatever I decided to do and just wants me to be healthy. After thinking more about it... in the past, when I try to push through and force myself to do something while being really anxious, I get really angry. When I get angry, my mind goes to places it shouldn't. I start thinking of ways I could physically hurt myself so that I have a 'real' reason why I can't go to work. I knew at that point, that I just couldn't go there. I've come so far and I can't allow myself to go backwards. I just needed to be honest with work and I took my anxiety med and fell back asleep.

Work has been very supportive. My particular position is an extra and I'm working on special projects, so nobody is really counting on me to be there. They have told me that my getting better is the most important thing right now and not to worry about them. I have a couple appointments later this week and I'm hoping to really get some answers. I'm just not sure where to go from here. I need an income but do I sacrifice my own health to some extent to get that income? 

I feel like I've been letting my friends down. My anxiety has taken over and I seem to have issues with sticking to plans with friends. I missed one of my best friends wedding celebrations this last weekend and I feel absolutely horrible. I feel like a terrible person for not being there for her on one of her biggest days, especially when she's been here for me through everything I've been going through. She's been wonderful. I just don't want to lose friends who I really care about because my anxiety is constantly getting in the way of my social life and relationships. I really worry about this. 

I am going to try a few things to see if I can work on my anxiety outside of medications. I'm going to note my foods... see if any of what I'm eating is causing anxiety. I'm going to cut back on caffeine. I'm going to start an easy exercise regimen. I think all this should help. I just want to be able to live a normal life.