surgery...

Surgery date is March 15th.

 

I will know more of what I'm in for this upcoming Wednesday.

 

Here's what I do know.

 

I have two polyps, one on my cervix and one in my endometrial lining. I also have a fibroid in my uterus. They are going to remove all the above and also check for endometriosis while I'm under anesthesia. I'm hoping to come out with an explanation as to why I've had pain for the last ten years of my life, that has only gotten worse the past year. Also hoping to come out with a lot less pain in the future.

 

I'm just ready to get on the road to recovery! Wish me luck!

a quick catch up...

Wow! It's been over a year now since I've written. So much has happened. I feel like so many of my blogs start this way, so I'm going to round up the past year really quick for you...

• April 2015 - Graduated from Gene Juarez Academy and became a licensed Cosmetologist. Also was hired at Daniel Ross Salon & Spa.
• May 2015 - Sean and I celebrated our one year anniversary
• September 2015 - Sean and I moved in together
• October 2015 - My Mom & Dad moved up to the Olalla area of Washington
• October/November 2015 - Hannah announced she is pregnant with their second
• November/December 2015 - Surprised Sean with Sophie
• February 2016 - Began working at the Covington location full time

I think that hits all the big events but I probably forgot a couple and I apologize for that! Overall, life has been pretty good. I will try to keep up on this better. I already have more that I can think about writing, so stay tuned...

January 4, 2015

First of all, I want to say Happy New Year! I hope that everyone had a safe and wonderful holiday season. I know I did. This past year has been one of the best for me. From becoming an aunt and a girlfriend, life has been going pretty darn good.

Abigail Grace is one of the best things that has ever happened in my life. Becoming an aunt has been full of so much love and happiness. I have a love for my niece that I couldn't of ever imagined having for any one person. I'm so proud to call her my niece. I love to show her off. She's not only the most beautiful little girl but she's also brought so much joy to so many. I've watched my little sister grow into a mother, one of the best mother's I know. She's so patient and so great at teaching Abby so much. Abigail is so smart and happy. She's got such a beautiful soul. Just the pure thought of her brings a smile to my heart.

Hannah, Dan and Abby moved down to San Diego for four months this past August. It was so incredibly hard for me and I've really laid my life down here in Washington. Not having my best friend, my sister, here by my side was tough. I knew it was going to be hard but I felt a sense of aloneness that I don't think I've ever felt before. I believe that in a way, it was a really good thing though. I will cherish and really focus on spending time with her once she is back. You don't realize how much you truly take for granted, like time, until it's taken away from you. I feel like so much has happened in these past four months but I know it'll just strengthen the relationship I have with my sister, Dan and Abigail.

One of the ways I was able to get through the past four months without a breakdown was because of the people I was surrounded by. I've made new lifelong friends this last year. Sean, being one of them, has been such a great support. He's helped me become more in control of my anxiety... it is just one of many good things he's brought out in me. I have been working my butt off between school and work. I'm going to school 3 days a week, 11 hours a day, and also working 3 other days as a server at Red Robin. This leaves just one day off a week. At times, I'll be honest, I want to scream... pull my hair out. Seeing the look on Sean's face and hearing how proud he is of me, makes this all so worth it. I know it's a temporary situation and once I'm done with school, life will settle down and become more 'normal'. Hearing that he is proud of me, makes me remember to be proud of myself. I am doing a lot and I'm doing a pretty darn good job.

Sean means a lot to me. A lot more than I think he even knows. I love him with all of my being and I feel so blessed to have met such a wonderful man. He is so supportive of everything I do and always has my best interest in mind. He is creating a future not only for himself, but for us.

He has an amazing family who I love to spend time with. They've welcomed me with such open arms and I am so beyond thankful. Things with Sean and I have been going wonderfully. I was able to spend Christmas Eve and Christmas Day with him and his family. Unfortunately I've been sick with a cold this past week, so I spend New Years Eve in bed. I know that we'll have many more New Years to celebrate together, so I'm not too worried.

friendship

Friendships. They are fun. They can be ever so testing. Sometimes the bonds are broken and sometimes they are fixed. At times, you outgrow them. At times, maybe they outgrow you. It's not always easy, friendships can be tough. You invest in them emotionally and show vulnerability. There's always a risk that trust could be broken.

Over my many, 30 years of living... I've had my fair share of friendships. Few have lasted through it all. It's sad to think about the friendships that have come and gone but I'm thankful for what each has taught me. I think as long as you grow from each relationship, each friendship, then you aren't losing everything. It's not easy losing friends but there are also times where it becomes too easy. Distance has played a part in my friendships. I know now who my true friends are and I love them all dearly. I know that I will have them for the rest of my life. They've stuck by my side through thick and thin, through some of my really horrible, rock bottom times. They've all helped shape who I've become today.

For my 30th birthday, my sister had the idea to have people write down on index cards, why they love me. It was such a neat idea and whenever I feel alone, I can look at those cards and know that I'm not. I'm surrounded by people who know me and love me for who I am, good and bad. Most of my closest friends don't live anywhere near me. Since moving to Washington, I made the decision to leave behind a handful of very important people. Even though there's this distance between us, I know that nothing has changed. Sure, we don't get to see each other as often as we'd like but it doesn't change our friendship. We still make the time to catch up and make sure all is well with each other.

I think we grow the most from the time we graduate high school until we're about 23 or so. Don't get me wrong, I know we continue to grow throughout life, but I think that's the most noticeable time. We make a lot of choices at that age. You get to choose our lifestyle now that you're out on your own. You make decisions that can affect the rest of your life. You have relationships that thrive and relationships that fail. You learn so much from your mistakes and given none of us are perfect, we learn on a daily basis. I know I sure do.

Friendships can stray and get lost amongst the busy lifestyle we live. We must slow down and make the time for those who are most important to us because you never know when your last chance with them could be. Don't take friendships for granted. I've done so and I've lost incredible friends because of it. I got too comfortable, I was self-centered. I've tried my best to mend those friendships but they're never quite the same.

So make sure you're taking the time out of your busy life to remind those you love that they are important to you. Even if it's just a quick hello, it could brighten their day just to hear from you. Keep that communication open so if you do have problems, or a rough patch, you can work through it together.

beaching & BBQing

Woke up this morning and my roommate, Paityn, colored my hair for me. I love it. It's much darker than it was, which I really like. I'm excited for Sean to see it since his opinion of what to do with my hair was to go darker. He's just scared I'm going to cut it now. I keep reassuring him that I'm growing it out, that I want it long. I just wish it would grow faster!

Went to Titlow Beach today with Erin. Yes... that is really the name of the beach. Go ahead and laugh cause I sure did. It was nice to catch up with her. We hadn't hung out just the two of us in a long time so we were a little out of date with each others life's. It was a nice beach area although we didn't think to time the tide. We ended up going down there as the tide came in, which left little room of beach. We sat on the rocks and then eventually moved up to lay on the grass. It was a beautiful day so it was really nice.

After the beach, I took Erin home and came home to relax. I watched some of Orange is the New Black on Netflix until Erin and Kelly came over. I BBQ'd up some burgers and we hung out and watched some TV. They didn't stay too long, I'm guessing because it's a school night.

Now I'm just sitting here, pondering over what could be interesting to blog about tonight. I wish I could be like Carrie on Sex and the City or Dan, who's blog is Single Dad Laughing. I would even take being like Jenna on Awkward. I just like to write. I'm not even sure if anyone really reads these blogs anyway but I like documenting what is going on in my life. I will have it forever. Some day I'll be able to share with my children what I went through in my late 20's, early 30's.

Gosh, I'm 30. It has started to really sink in. For a while there it didn't really feel like I was actually 30. I felt like I should be 27ish. Now I feel good about being 30. Turning 30 for me was like turning over a new leaf. I was leaving my 20's behind me, gladly, and moving forward as a more confident, successful, happy me. I feel like things in my life are finally coming together rather than falling apart. It's a good feeling, although I know that I am a little scared of becoming too happy. I think it's because I don't want to set myself up on some high cloud and get knocked off. Does that make any sense? Who knows.

Well I suppose I should probably get some sleep. School is going to come bright and early tomorrow and my body isn't quite used to these 11 hour days yet again. Goodnight!

first day back

Today was my first day back to school and it went pretty darn good, although my feet are killing me! I had a handful of people ask me why I was on a Leave of Absence and I questioned whether or not to tell people why I was gone. I am not ashamed of the fact that I deal with anxiety, so I was honest. Everyone seemed to understand and didn't ask much more. Just wanted to make sure I was doing okay now and that they were happy to see me back. I even got a couple hugs from some of my favorite educators, which made me feel really good inside.

I wasn't sure how today was going to go. I knew the first half of the day was classroom time, so I didn't have much to worry about. The second half of the day, out on the floor, I kind of felt like a first timer again. I think the front desk had me marked as being gone this afternoon so I didn't get any guests, which I was okay with today. It gave me time to get my feet back into the swing of things and also time to do some mannequin work.

Miss Hailey was so excited to see me when I got home tonight. She was running around like a crazy dog on crack. It was really cute actually. I love when I come home and she's that excited and happy. Can't help but brighten your day. I think she got used to my schedule of being on LOA also. She got spoiled by a stay at home mommy for five weeks. She's so flexible though and adapts so well to change, so I don't worry about her transitioning back into my school schedule with me. She's my little trooper.

When I got home from school I made dinner for Sean and I. I didn't get home until about 7:30 so I told him on my school nights, it's either we eat out or we eat something very easy to make. Beginning to make dinner at 7:30-7:45 is tough. All I really want to do when I get home is kick back and relax but I got to eat something!

Well, it's getting late and tomorrow I have a couple things to do. One of which is coloring my hair! Can't wait to see how it turns out. Don't worry, I will share some photos when it's finished, in case you were worried! Goodnight blogger world.

I'm home.

Last time I wrote, my dating life had gone down the drain. About the time I gave up, I reconnected with someone I had previously talked to. I had moved closer to him once I had moved to Tacoma. He has become my best friend and my boyfriend. He's truly wonderful.

Things are improving up here. I was finally able to make it home for about a week for my birthday. It was really nice to get back to Eugene to catch up with friends and family. Upon returning to Washington, I felt kind of empty. I was questioning whether or not I was supposed to be up here or not. There are a lot of things I miss about Eugene but I still can't imagine being away from Abby. I am, however, dreading when Dan, Hannah and Abby go to San Diego for 4 months. Thankfully I have Sean.

I feel like I've found my home up here in Washington. I realized that this is my home but that there was just a little something extra that had been missing. My heart wasn't completely whole. I hadn't met this man whom I get to call mine, Sean. Shortly after meeting Sean, I knew he was exactly what I had always looked for in a man. Suddenly, there he was, right in front of me. My life had changed.

My heart skipped beats and felt whole. I was overwhelmed with a sense of comfort and nervousness. He makes me feel like I'm the best thing in this world and I didn't want to do anything that could potentially mess things up. The sense of comfort has never gone away but the nervousness did. When I'm with Sean, the world feels like it's stopped. I feel safe. I feel calm. It's truly an amazing feeling. I love him so much and can't imagine what life would be like if I hadn't of met him.

:)

Dating

What is dating?

For me, dating starts out with excitement, anticipation, and wonder. But after a month or two dating for me turns into heartache, tears and sleepless nights.

For anyone who knows me I tend to put a lot into dating, especially if I like the guy. Things go well for some time and I'm happy, thinking this could potentially turn into something really good.

Then I hit the one month mark, or in this last case, the two month mark. Things always tend to go south for me at this time. I'm not sure why. I wish someone could tell me what I'm doing wrong because there has to be something. They all tell me I'm a wonderful person, I'm pretty, smart and a great catch but that all means nothing when I'm being told that things aren't really working.

I am going to take a break from dating. A break from getting let down. Time to let my heart put the pieces back together.

To me, dating has not been easy. I've been let down by guys, specifically one, who I saw great potential with. Each time a guy tells me he's just not feeling it, my self confidence goes down the drain and my hope for finding the person I'm supposed to spend my life with diminishes just a little.

I'm almost 30 and I'm single. This is not how I envisioned my life going whatsoever. Honestly it really hurts me to stop and think about where I'm at in life when it comes to dating.

I just want to give someone all this love that I have to offer. I want to share my day and my excitement for things to come with someone. I have so much to give another person but nobody to give it to. :(

the new year...

It's 2014 and so far, this has been a great year for me! Seems like things are finally going my way. My luck may have changed for the better. I feel the best I've felt yet, I'm making great friends and meeting new people too! Life is great and I'm loving 2014 thus far!

By far the best thing that has happened to me this year was on January 24th at 12:07am. My beautiful niece, Abigail Grace, was born. My sister did an amazing job at bringing her into this world. Although, she helped confirm my decision of wanting an epidural. She was a trooper but boy did that look painful! Abigail was born weighing 8 pounds 7 ounces and was 21 inches long. She has been a perfectly healthy baby girl since. She's keeping Hannah up most nights but that's pretty much expected. I try to spend as much of my time with them as I can. Abigail can change so quickly and I want to be present for it all. I even got to be the first to babysit her while Hannah and Dan went out to dinner on Valentine's Day. I love my time with her. I just can't stop looking at her and kissing her cute little cheeks!

School has been going great! I begin to take guests on the floor on March 11th! It is so crazy how fast classes have flown by and how much I've learned. Seems like just a month ago that I started and I'm already four months in! I am still loving it, as I assumed I would. I'm really bonding with the girls in my class. The girls in my class are so wonderful! I really feel like we're family. I feel like I would go above and beyond to help pretty much anyone in class and I feel they'd do the same for me. It's such a great feeling to know you have the support of so many. Even better, I get to hang out with these girls three days a week! I feel very blessed.

I've been seeing a handsome guy and he's made my life just that much more exciting. He's thoughtful, kind, caring, funny and extremely good looking. I have so much fun when I'm with him. He's even gotten to meet mom, Dan, Hannah and Abby! They all approve. Hailey loves him possibly more than she loves me. He even brought Hailey a Valentine's Day present! How thoughtful is that?! Things are going great and I hope they continue to grow and only get better! I'll keep you all posted. :)

I'm going to wrap up this post with pictures of Abby cause she's too adorable not to share! :)

 

 

following my dreams

It has been almost a year since I was in the hospital! Time to celebrate right?! Actually I have so much to celebrate right now. I feel like I'm finally becoming the independent woman I was born to be. I am doing my own thing and following my dreams.

I decided to go to school instead of keeping the job at the elementary school. I have always wanted to go to cosmetology school and now I'm actually doing it. It's such a good feeling to finally commit to doing what I've wanted to do for years. The timing just never seemed right before. I went in for a tour of the campus on a Friday afternoon and left the school as a student that begun school the following Tuesday! It was a decision I made completely on my own, which honestly was the biggest decision I've made without running it past my parents. It felt good to make the phone call and tell my Mom and Dad that I had signed up! I was so excited to start and meet new friends too! Turns out my parents were very happy for me and so incredibly supportive. Meant the world to me. :)

School started on Tuesday, October 15th. I'm just finishing up week five and it's gone by so quickly. I go to class Tuesday, Thursday and Saturday from 8am until 7pm. It keeps me very busy. I've met some awesome people though! I think we got very lucky in our class. The group of girls are pretty great! I've become pretty darn good friends with a couple girls. Erin is the one I've spent the most time with. We go to lunch everyday together, which is so much fun. We typically laugh our butts off at the most random things. We talk about absolutely anything and everything, nothing is off limits. She's exactly what I was hoping to find at school. Someone who I see becoming one of my best friends. Yay!

Outside of school, things have been going pretty good. I've been dating, which is interesting. Honestly, I really don't like dating. I think it's pretty silly the games people play and the ways you're 'supposed' to act to keep the other person interested. Why can't we just be ourselves and have that work? I guess with the right person, that will be all I need to do. At least that is what I keep telling myself. Then you get stuck in that in-between stage of dating and being in a relationship. When do you have that relationship defining talk? How do you know when the timing is right? I thought I'd know but I've been wrong and that is definitely not fun. It's kind of humiliating actually. Oh the things we go through to find 'the one'.

That sums up the big points in my life right now. I'll keep ya updated with anything new! Hope everyone is doing well!

a giant leap forward

I'm not going to go through and relive my past to bring you all up to the current. It's the past and it's in the past. It isn't a past I really want to go back and document all the steps taken since the last post. However, I will say, I have taken a giant leap forward since my last post. I am incredibly proud of myself and thankful for all those who've stood by my side through thick and thin.

Right now, I am living with my sister and brother-in-law in Port Orchard, Washington. It's been incredibly exciting and a huge blessing that they opened up their doors for me and allowed me to live here while in between places. Hannah is 21 weeks along in her pregnancy now and we just found out it's a little girl. She's healthy, active and growing perfectly! What more could you ask for? I can't wait come January to be able to hold my niece in my hands for the first time. I think I may cry out of pure happiness and awe.

Washington has been treating me pretty good. I really love the area, being surrounded by mountain ranges and tons of water, it is absolutely breathtaking. After 5 1/2 months of brutally trying, I finally got a job! I think that this opportunity will be well worth the wait too. It's an Americorp position with Washington Reading Corps at Belfair Elementary School. I will be doing all sorts of different things from tutoring to leadership type projects. I couldn't be more excited. A HUGE thanks to my friend Heather who recommended me for the position. I can't thank you enough!!!

I feel like life is aligning for me. It's a wonderful feeling. I think that with this job and getting a new place of my own... I'm only going to continue to get stronger and healthier. I am amazed when I look at where I was just over a year ago and think that my life could have ended then. I'm really thankful it didn't and that I'm here today to experience everything that life has to offer me. Here's to the future! :)

The Ongoing Battle...

It has been a long while since I've posted... and there's a bit to catch up on. I will try my best to sum it up in a shorter amount of details but if you want to know more, I'm very open and willing to answer any questions.

Well I was having a rough day, thankfully we were off to see Cara, my Dr. that handles my meds. After talking with her, we decided that the best idea for me, would be to head down to the University District ER to be mentally evaluated. They decided to admit me back into the Johnson Unit, I believe is was December 18th, 2012. I was in the JU this time around until January 8, 2013.

While being in the hospital, I was undergoing ECT treatments on Monday, Wednesday, and Fridays each week. I was being transferred by ambulance from the UD to the RiverBend SPA. I would get to my room and the nurse would come to set up my IV. Then Dr. Velez would come in and ask us a series of questions and then take me back to the Endo Room where they do the ECT.

Once I'm back there I get this spiffy headband put on, that has some lube on the plates, where they touch my head... kind of by my temples. The Anesthiologist sets a mask over my face and has me take deep breaths of oxygen, in and out. Then they put something through the IV, the first one burns a bit. The second one they put in is the good stuff that will knock me out. I like this feeling. It sounds like a tunnel, like all the sounds from our room are just zoning in towards my ears, then I'm out cold.

I wake up in recovery and it isn't too much longer until they take me back out in to a room. I get a room that has a recliner chair in it. they bring a few warm blankets and also something to drink and snack on. Once all that is good to go, time for me to leave! The paramedics would show back up and I would climb over onto the stretcher and we were off. Loaded me up in the ambulance, headed back to UD.

That would happen M,W,F each week... it was a lot and it was exhausting. I did manage to lose a bit of memory which always kind of stinks.


Once I returned home it was some relief and some nervousness. I don't want to add pressure to my parents by making them feel like they have to be my nurses. It's really hard knowing that you're the one causing all this extra stress and anxiety to your family, but then there isn't really anything I can do to make it better that quickly.

Now I have finished my first Maintenance ECT, the next will be three weeks out, so Feb 18th. I am really afraid that these are being spread too thin for me right now. I just don't feel like I'm were I should be or could be. I know everyone has down days, but right now my down days are almost 50% of my days. I just want to feel happy.

I am going to give Jen a call tomorrow. Jen is Dr. Velez's assistant. See what they suggest doing, whether it involves adjusting my meds or our ECT schedule.

December 17, 2012

I signed on to write a new blog and found this one, I don't think it got finished so it wasn't posted, but I decided to post it now...


It was January 2012, almost an entire year ago now, that I was hit head first with disabling bouts of panic attacks and depression. When I went to get help from my doctor, I thought I'd be better in a matter of a few weeks, maybe a couple months. I had no idea what was to still come.

I was put on an anti-depressant which I was hopeful would help but then I lost my job. I had been in that position for almost six months when I was let go. I loved my job. I was working with a group of people that I enjoyed. I was getting great reviews. I had just received my first raise. I had no warnings that I was at stake to lose my job, so needless to say, I was shocked when it happened. I was told by the people who called, that they care about me and want me to get better. How can you say something like that but take away someone's only income? Their health insurance? Hardly seems like someone who really cares. I thought this was rock bottom, things could only go up from here, right?

I had been working on getting myself better for almost seven months. I had been going to counseling weekly and increased the anti-depressants. I was working hard to keep the things closest to my heart in my life. No matter how hard I wanted things to work, nor how hard we tried, my relationship fell apart after almost two years. This man was so incredibly special to me, in fact he will always have a very special place in my heart. Hearing from people close to me those very dreadful words, it wasn't meant to be. Swallowing that was possibly the hardest thing I've ever had to do in my life, so I thought.

At this point, I was frustrated. I was tired. I felt like I was losing everything. I lost hope. I gave up. I stopped taking my anti-depressant medication. It was only days or so after, I decided to take the entire bottle. I panicked and reached out, which ultimately saved my life. I was taken to the hospital, where I was treated for the overdose. I spent the next two and a half weeks in a psychiatric hospital under close observation. The doctor that was assigned to me decided to change my medication. He put me on a different type of anti-depressant. He also suggested ECT (electro-convulsive therapy) treatments. I was desperate for something to help get me out of this dark place, so I decided, with my families support, that I would give it a go.

God is the master chef...

Romans 8:28: All things work together for good for them that love the Lord.

We can't isolate one part of your life, the keyword is 'together'. Your life isn't over because you a had a bad break. Don't get stuck where you are, because there is another ingredient coming, the right answer, the right person, etc.

God is the master chef. God knows exactly what to add and when to add it. He will put in just the right amount at just the right time so you can become everything you can be.

Cookies don't rise without baking soda. God won't leave out the baking soda, so that you rise to your full potential. God has ingredients that will thrust you to a new level. He has ingredients that will help you understand it. You will thank Him for doing what He has done, maybe not in that moment, but someday. 

If someone left you, they weren't a part of your destiny. God wouldn't of let them walk away if they were a part of your destiny. He will give you someone that won't walk away, someone who can't live with out you, someone who treats you the way you should be treated...

Ingredients have to all be mixed together, they don't work the same if you add them one at a time. They don't taste good by themselves. Trust that He will give you all the right ingredients when the time is right.

"Nothing in life happens to you, it happens for you."

Sometimes in life, disappointments are God's way of making the right things happen.


When you keep your hope & faith in the Lord, you will never be disappointed.

trusting in Him...

I feel like this is so completely true in all of aspects of our relationships. 

It isn't always exactly what we want or who we think we might want.

It's an element of surprise. 

We learn something from each person who has impacted our life.

I have been a little discouraged by people lately, but I have also had people kind of pop up out of the woodwork that I didn't expect. 

People that I admire, respect and that I feel like will only better my life.

I have been given people who have good relationships with God. People that only encourage me to deepen my relationship with Him. 

I feel inspired now. 

I have a new sense of hope that I was missing.

I am going to really work on being a better Christian and also trusting in God's decisions. He knows what is best for me and I know He won't ever let me down.

lonely...

Lately I've been feeling pretty down again. Life is going alright and I know I've come a long way since January but I still struggle day to day. This battle is a marathon, not a sprint. As the picture above says, I do feel bad admitting that I feel very alone. I feel like it's a rude thing to say considering I have quite a few people who have been there for me every step of the way. Reality is though, I do feel lonely. 

It's not that I miss the intimacy of a relationship, but I miss having that best friend... that go-to person. I don't really feel like I have that. I feel like my friends and my life is outgrowing me. Everyone is in a relationship or having kids. It seems that all my friends and family have someone else in their life that fills that role of a best friend. Everyone is so busy with life that not too many people slow down to acknowledge others. I feel like I'm typically the person to text someone first or to invite someone to hang out. People say they want to get together and then they say, I'll let you know what my schedule looks like. I get it, I really do. If you say that, my only request is that you actually follow through. Most of the time, I do remember these things and I do notice when people don't follow through. That makes me feel like people don't really care. 

I know I probably am over-analyzing things and I need to acknowledge that just because I have a lot of spare time, doesn't necessarily mean others do. I just wish people would surprise me, check up on me occasionally. Even if it is just a text, it lets people know that you're thinking of them and it makes them feel special, like they truly matter. At least that's how I feel. Just know that by saying you'll be there doesn't mean much if you don't back it up. Actions speak louder than words, so prove it... be there.

To the few of you that have been there for me through everything and make an effort to see how I am, I really appreciate it. I don't think I'll ever be able to tell you how much you mean to me. 

Slacking...

I really need to write something. I've had the topic for my next blog in my head for sometime now, just need to sit down and write it out.

Stay tuned...

incredibly thankful, today and everyday...

As you know, this year has been a challenging one for me. It started with an onset of panic attacks back in January, which led to me losing my job. The next 7 months were up and down. My relationship with Eric came to an end in July, which broke my heart. I thought I had hit rock bottom and then I fell even further, ultimately landing myself in the hospital in the beginning of August. After changing medications and going through electroshock treatments, I was finally beginning to see some hope again, hope that I could get better.

My memory was severely affected by my ECT treatments and I wasn’t remembering much of anything for quite some time. I couldn’t remember my break up. I couldn’t remember the two weeks before I overdosed. I couldn’t remember my time in the hospital. I couldn’t remember my cousin’s bridal shower. It was the end of September when I felt like I was really beginning to retain new memories. Since then, my memory has only improved, although there are still things I come across that I don’t remember.

The last couple months I’ve continued my counseling and am still adjusting medications but I feel alive again. I feel more alive, more like myself now than I have ever before. I would have never have been able to get to where I am today if it hadn’t been for you all. You all have given me support in so many different ways and have been there for me through everything. I know I can always count on you if I’m going through a tough time.

Mom… Dad… Hannah… there is no way I would be here today if it weren’t for you three. You have been my backbone when I had none; you have been a shoulder for me to cry on when I feel like there’s no hope. You’ve kept a roof over my head. You’ve helped incredibly with finances, allowing me to get the care I needed and still do need. You guys are my rock and without you, I wouldn’t be here today. I want to thank you from the bottom of my heart for everything you’ve done.

Sandi & Megan – you guys brining Brielle into the hospital to see me, was so incredible. Those are the visits I actually remember the most. Seeing baby Brielle brought a smile to my heart. You have no idea how much that smile truly helped me get better. So I thank you for that.

Grandma, you have been there for me through so much. I know you were praying for me to get better and God answered your prayers and truly helped me recover. I love how much closer we have become. I enjoy our lunch dates (when they don’t involve Fire trucks and Ambulances). I am thankful to have such a wonderful Grandma in you.

Court & Adam – I love the Angel of Healing & the beautiful scarf. The angel is near my bed and reminds me where I was and how far I’ve come. You guys were both always there for me, just a text or a phone call away. Thank you.

You have all had such an impact on my healing. The love I’ve received was so much more than I could’ve imagined. I just want to tell you all Thank You from the bottom of my heart. I can’t even begin to express how thankful I am to have such a wonderful family and group of friends. You have all saved my life and helped get me back on my feet. I wouldn’t be where I am at today if I didn’t have you. So… Thank you, thank you, thank you… I love you all!

job hunting...

As most of you know, I've been looking for a job. It's proving to be harder than I thought it would be. I figured with all the retail positions open, I would be able to find something. I thought my age would help me out by showing some maturity, etc. To my surprise, with my age retailers expect and want more retail experience. I worked retail before, right out of high school an it isn't rocket science. I don't see why my years of experience in finance and my ten plus years in customer service doesn't make me qualified to work with clothes... Honestly. I am hopeful and I know I will find something when the time is right. It is exhausting to spend hours each day searching and applying for jobs. My brain is tired from spending an hour on a single application, only to get an email the next day saying 'thanks but we didn't choose you'. It's not overly encouraging.

I wish I could take this time and go back to school. That would be ideal, but due to previous choices with school, I can't get government help. I really would love to be able to go to beauty school! It's a 10-12 month program if you go full-time, but it costs about $10,000 and most private loans won't cover it.

So here I am... Plugging away to find a job, trying to solve the lifelong question of what to do with the rest of my life. I never knew it would be this hard... Financially, physically or emotionally.

two incredibly powerful words...

"Proverbs 16:9 says "Life and death are in the power of the tongue."

God created our words to have creative power. What follows the two simple words, "I Am", will determine what type of life you have and will either bring success or failure in your life. Instead of saying negative “I Ams”, - “I am unfocused. I am never going to succeed”, say what God says you are. Declare “I am blessed, confident, loved, accepted.” When you change your “I Am's ” your life will change for the better. The seeds of greatness God’s placed on the inside will spring forth.

- Joel Osteen

As some of you may have noticed, I posted this on my Facebook the other day. My mom had saved an episode of Oprah's Lifeclass that had Joel Osteen as a guest. The entire show talked about how powerful the words 'I am' are. I completely agree! I never noticed how much I say these negative 'I am' statements in my own head. After watching it, I am much more aware and am catching myself with these negative thoughts and turning them positive. I wanted to create a list of my own 'I am' thoughts and how I've changed them. 

I am unemployed.

I am actively looking for jobs and will find something.

I am not going to get ahead with all these medical bills.

I am becoming a healthier, better version of myself.

I am out of shape.

I am able and capable to exercise.

I am an unhealthy eater.

I am really going to try to eat healthier.

I am horrible at interviews.

I am confident I can do any job I am given.

I am an anxious person.

I am getting pretty good at noticing my anxiety triggers, 

therefore able to prevent a lot of anxiety from even happening.

I am not as good of a Christian as I'd like to be.

I am working on improving my relationship with God.

These are just a few that came to mind but so many more have ran through my head. 

What are some negative 'I am' statements you say? How can you turn them into a positive statement? 

I really believe that if you are somewhat aware of the things you think and/or say and can find a way to turn it from a negative thought to a positive thought, it can, and will, improve your overall look on life. I know it has for me, even in just a few days.